Things I Struggle WIth

So, there are things I have a hard time getting over. Things that seem to hold me back. I figured it was time to talk about it.

1. My anxiety disorder. I suffer from extreme anxiety disorder and it affects a lot of my life. I am medicated for it daily and will be for the rest of my life. There are days I don't get out of bed. Sometimes I know what brings on the anxiety but for the most part I have no idea. I can wake up in the middle of the night with a full blown attack. My symptoms can include shaking, nausea, sweating, fast heartbeat, my teeth chatter (don't ask, I have no idea), dizziness, and the inability to sit still. When I'm anxious I stutter (which drives me nuts as I try to speak very plainly and with intelligence, unless I'm in a conversation with Julie Hill and my cursing comes out like a sailor! LOL! Love you!). I have ended up in the ER thinking I'm dying (no joke). I remember once I had had an attack for 8 hours straight and finally went in to the ER. My own medication wasn't working. They gave me a shot (HAHA! Sorry, I made a typo there and previously wrote they gave me a shit. HAHA! Sorry, anyway...) and it calmed me down and I fell asleep in the ER and I woke up and mumbled something about Colonel Sanders. Don't ask, no idea. My husband laughed his ass off and I've never lived that down. I've had signs of anxiety since I was 5 years old but it was never this bad until my first marriage. I went through so many expensive tests trying to figure out what was wrong. There are ways I cope with it now. Medication, my husband will rub my arm or run his fingers though my hair, I put headphones on and play music. It doesn't always work. It has resulted in depression because I feel like I can't lead a normal life. I'm afraid to leave my home for fear of having an attack and being away from my "safe spot". I have trouble eating. Anything. Doesn't matter what it is. I end up running to the bathroom (not vomiting) which is another fear of being outside of my house. There is another way I can get my mind off of the attack but that's, ummm, personal (LOL!). Recently that resulted in spraining my shoulder and my arm is now in a sling. Yeah, try explaining that to the ER people. They giggled and my husband was proud. But back to being serious, I can feel worthless because I can't function in normal daily life. I feel like I can't be the mother my boys need, the wife my husband needs, or the sister my sister needs. It's a struggle I'm trying to find another way to cope with so I can lead a normal life.

2. My first marriage. My ex-husband was abusive, cheated on me and was just a mean man. It's been 13 years since my divorce but I'm still angry for 2 reasons. The way he treated me has affected me all of these years later. Being called a fat pig while pregnant has made me feel like I can never be attractive even though my current husband is the most wonderful man in the world. The abuse has had me angry all these years later because I feel I was so weak in not protecting myself better and walking away. The cheating has made me worry that I'm not good enough for any man. My current husband has never cheated on me but it's something I worry about. 
The second reason I'm so angry is the way my son was treated. My ex was abusive to him, too. Why couldn't I protect my son? He has nothing to do with my son which angers my son and he's said he doesn't need a father figure in his life. I've watched him cry when his own father pushes him away and sends him pictures of his new family. No child should be shoved aside by a parent or abused by them. I watch my son struggle with his feelings, refusing to show them, afraid of looking weak. How can a man (my ex) be such a poor excuse of a human being? I want to let go of the anger but I don't know how.

3. The death of my parents. My youngest son was born in September of 2003. My father passed away November 11th, 2003. I was with him when he passed away. I begged God to let him live. Instead I heard his last breath and heard his heart stop. The doctors asked me if I wanted to remove him from life support to which I answered yes. I felt so guilty. What if I had waited? I told my mother later about the guilt and she was confused. She explained to me that the doctor had already called her and she had given permission. It was never my decision. It couldn't have been as my father still had a living spouse. I was so angry at the doctor for making me think I had (in my mind) killed my father. My father was in his 60's. Too young to die. 
My mother went into the hospital January of this year due to congestive heart failure. She was making progress. She ended up with a tracheotomy. She was healing wonderfully from it and the doctors and nurses were so impressed. I remember my sister and I had visited her on a Sunday and I crawled into bed with her and just laid with her. We promised to come back the following Wednesday, as I had physical therapy on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday morning my sister received a call that my mother was back in the hospital and we needed to get there as soon as possible. No other information. I called to reach my husband at work to come home. As I sat waiting for my husband to call me I wondered what had happened. I called the ER and they hadn't received her yet. So I called the rehabilitation center, where she had been transferred, to get some answers. They never told my sister everything that was happening because my sister was much more sensitive to certain news. They explained to me that they had gone into my mother's room and found her with no pulse. They worked on her and got no results so the ambulance was called and they were working on her on the way. My husband finally called and he rushed home. My sister, my husband and I arrived at the hospital and they had finally gotten a pulse but her vitals were severely low. Her blood pressure alone was 70/50. They allowed me to go back to see her (my sister wouldn't go in. She didn't want to see her that way) and when I walked in the room, she may have had a pulse but one look at her and I knew she was moments away from being gone. She was brain dead. After sitting with her for awhile they moved her to ICU and we returned home. When I got home I sat for an hour and something told me to call. I called and they told me she was much worse. Her blood pressure was now 40/20 and they had me speak to the doctor. He explained there was nothing more they could do. They had tried everything. They asked me if I wanted to remove her from life support (my sister could have never made the decision). I sat for a moment and thought about what they were telling me and I knew it was only fair to my mom to let her go and be free. I asked them to wait to remove her from life support and I got there. The doctor told me to hurry as she may not make it in the time it would take me to arrive at the hospital. My husband broke every driving law getting me there. Again, my sister couldn't be there and I will never hold that against her. I arrived in and went to her side. I looked at the monitor and knew she was tired and letting go. They let me sit with her for awhile and I held her cried and told her it was ok to let go. That we understood and she needed to be with her husband. I finally allowed them to remove her from life support and I laid my head on her chest and cried as I heard her last heartbeat. The nurse patted me on the arm and told me she was gone. I curled up next to her and just held her and cried for my family's loss and mine. My husband said nothing, but stood behind me and just rubbed my back as I clung to my mom. The nurses were kind enough to give me all the time I needed to say goodbye. I had a hard time letting her go, meaning I could let go of hr body and kept rubbing her hands and her head. I knew she was at peace and was with my father and my grandparents. Didn't make it any easier but I knew she was in a better place. I don't remember the drive home but I remember arriving home and facing having to tell my sister and my children. I'm thankful I have my sister, my husband and my boys to talk to, but I don't talk about it much because I'm afraid if I do I'll cry and never stop. I've always had to be the strong one in the family and I know I have to be there for my sister. If I lose it who will be there for my family? 

So there's just a few things I struggle with. If anyone can relate to any of this I am open to talking about any of this. Questions, just talking. All is welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

Much love to all of you.